Living in La La Land has progressively brought to my attention, that I, when juxtaposed with the overarching way of life here, am not really as “New Age” as the general population.
I mean, the People of LA snort cave dust, chug moon juice, have spiritual advisors for their dogs, and consult the planetary alignments before deciding whether or not they are going on the 405. So New Age.
Me, not so much.
First of all, there is the very literal reality: I am the old age of 27. Nothing new about that! I have lived over 10,000 days, that’s so ancient. Plus, recently my jaw fell out as if I’m approaching age 82 (fully expecting to need a hip replacement any day), and the only men I seem to attract are in AT LEAST their late 40s (exhibit A and exhibit B). Not a girl, not yet a cougar, you know?
Second of all, when I look at my level of interaction with New Agey things, I’m also really Old Age in a distinctly metaphorical way. For example:
- The closest I come to anything “third eye” related is how I’m freelancing for an eComm startup, Cliiiques, that has three I’s in the URL. If I ever had a band, it might be called Third Eye Blindest.
- My idea of a juice cleanse is vodka cranberry on an empty stomach.
- When it comes to healing I believe strongest in the power of pedicures.
- Everyone in LA is always trying to align their chakras. I don’t even know where my chakras are located and it would probably require the chakra equivalent of a missing persons report to even unearth them from wherever they are buried. When you Google “where are my chakras located” you get this nice little rainbow diagram, but I’m pretty sure mine are all black. If I am not missing several of the key ones, then I know I for SURE at least have them so out of alignment. Clinical diagnosis: permanent chakra scoliosis.
- On a recent date, a guy asked me if I was into “meditation,” but I accidentally thought he was asking me if I was into “medication.” I had no idea how to respond, because I do ZERO drugs, so I asked, “umm, do you mean, like, sleeping pills?” Utterly clueless about meditation AND New Age drugs.
- Recently my friends dragged me to their psychic and I underwent my first tarot reading. I drew a couple really sinister cards like Death, Stabbed in My Field of Swords, Stabbed in My Bed of Swords, Devil, Graveyard, Poison Apple, Gothic Loner/Hermit, Judgment, Underworld, Beast of Clubs, Dark Lord of Spades, Nightmare Lair, Crushed Dreams, Imminent Suffering, Haunted Spirits, Mortal Peril, Convoluted Road, Broken Mirror, Drowned Sailor, Regrettable Destiny, Oh Shit, and a couple of others that managed to evade my memory…She then proceeded to tell me EVERYTHING about my life that I have ever known including spooky things that I try to pretend I DON’T know, told me I was really “spiritually blocked” (code word for Old Age), and said that the only way to save myself from impending doom would be to come back the very next night on the full moon for regression/cleanse/unblock/re-do of the cards, to see what new “stuff” had come to the surface. Hooked, I returned to her psychic den the following night, only to be STOOD UP BY A PSYCHIC which I must assume occurred due to her investigation into my future. She saw my story ended in serious disaster and she just did not have the heart to tell me, “look, girlfriend, I hate to break it to you, but you’re doomed AF and will likely perish within the next 3 months.” Moral of the story: I’m simply not New Age enough to continue in this world. The cards have spoken.
- Recently my friend gave me my first crystal and I felt really inducted into the essence of LA! I was so excited to try and harness the power of it that I closed my eyes and started rubbing it on my cheek and my friend was like “umm Char you’re gonna wanna take it out of the plastic bag if you want it to work properly.”
Allow me for a second to make sense of this cryptic crystal thing. If you had a collection of fancy rocks, and you were trying to ward off negativity, which option is inherently more logical:
NEW AGE VERSION: Cleanse your crystals in a natural body of water in the light of the full moon while reciting incantations in lost dialects of the future nations to detoxify impurities, then bury them in the ground to return them to their earthly roots, slipping them into your pocket whenever you discern you will need to call upon their power that day. And then once you are all cleansed and grounded and aligned you wait for the evil to feel a dissipation vibration?
CHAR’S VERSION: Throw said rocks with maximum force at the evil people causing the negativity in your life. They will consequently run away because you’re chucking rocks in their face and you can do a little celebration dance for having just warded off evil?
Really, Crystal People, you’ve been doing it wrong this whole time. Come see me if you want a worldly advisor on your next challenge because I have practical solutions.
Anyway, even though I am the inverse of New Age, I do try to be open minded to of the various means and methods people use in attempts to improve their lives. I think a lot of times, connotations that surround spiritual and wellness practices of all different natures reveal to me that there are more peaceful and powerful ways of life than what I am currently experiencing. I feel grounded enough in my own opinions and where I stand with my faith to be able to freely interact with the experiences and opinions of others, and even explore in an open minded way how they might actually relate to enhance my own beliefs.
I am also feeling so currently stuck in a few particular situations where I feel confident I have attempted every tool in my arsenal in terms of extracting myself from them. I feel like I have nothing to lose in terms of figuring out new and different ways to escape the the depths of hell and actualize my next levels, both in my immediate physical circumstance as well as my long term emotional enlightenment.
Thus, I think I am trying become more New Agey.
Just because I am trying to become more New Agey, however, does not mean I am succeeding.
For example, I did yoga the other night. Yoga is New Age, right? So we’re doing Malasana, and my hips are so extremely tight that I could not splay my legs nearly as wide as necessary (not sure if this is due to my obsession with spin or my lack of hip chakra?). The instructor looked directly at me and was like “just widen the gap between your feet” as if it were so plainly obvious and easy. I attempted, but yelped in pain as I realized, “wow my body does not contort to such extremes.” Rather than be like, “you know what that’s totally normal and you can do X variation of this pose,” she looked really worried and was like “oh, wait…really?” and kind of laughed. They don’t make you sign a waiver before yoga class, so I think she should have been more concerned, but that’s just me. I’m honestly so Old Age that I don’t know how I am going to get more advanced in my practice to the level of “pose your spine in a figure 8 while levitating 6.23 degrees to the northeast and spur the elevation with a flapping half arm motion as you tighten your core and breathe one inhale every other minute while chanting the Sanskrit meditations you have osmosis obtained.” I just set my intention and hope for the best, you know?
However, there is one area of New Age that I have made progress in! So, breaking news: my sister got me an essential oil diffuser for Christmas.
As I thought about this, that Kermit The Frog mirror meme came to mind. You know how there is regular green Kermit speaking the voice of reason? And there is also evil, hooded Kermit (I think he appeared in my tarot reading too)? As I contemplated the oil diffuser, the following dualism emerged:
Green Kermit: As far as I am concerned, I have made it to age 27 without any of these so called “essential” oils, so they can’t possibly be that critical.
Hooded Kermit: Ya, but you are literally miserable at life and nothing else has worked so far…
And I guess this is how I ended up receiving an Amazon Prime delivery of essential oils from Hooded Kermit.
I wasn’t sure which ones I would like, so I got the Variety Pack Extraordinaire with like 390 flavors in it. I have endless possibilities of elixirs to concoct! What are the aromatic properties of Essence of Char?
Well, I have put on my New Age cap and have begun to sniff out what exactly all these oils stand for and the significance their diffusion can bring into life.
The Official #WellnessByChar Chart of Essential Oil Usages
- Lavender: Grandmas seem to love this stuff and supposedly it helps you sleep.
- Geranium: Is obviously for your cranium.
- Ylang Ylang: Aside from being a plausible name for a Siamese cat, why would anything be called Ylang Ylang and what even is it?
- Bergamot: Sounds like a strain of mold; rhymes with rot; have not sniffed it yet.
- Clary Sage: Sage is a cute name for a dog, but imma need some claryfication on what the difference between sage and clary sage is.
- Patchouli: I always confuse ‘patchouli’ with ‘potpourri.’ Idk maybe it goes in the bathroom to help combat the smell of poo.
- Eucalyptus: If you long to snuggle with koala bears, dump lots of this into your diffuser and await cuddly koalas to materialize from the mist. If this doesn’t happen, your chakras are probably missing and you should book a flight to Australia to go look for them and/or for koala bears.
- Clove: You cannot spell clove without love. Diffuse a shit ton of clove as you complete your nightly Bumble swiping session and love just may bee in the air. A good pairing with Eucalyptus oil, because if you match with a guy on Bumble holding a koala bear, you can ask him what his boyfriend koalifications are (this has actually worked for me).
- Cinnamon: WTF I HATE cinnamon. People who use cinnamon toothpaste or gum cannot be trusted.
- Pink Grapefruit: Is the color clarification really necessary here? I mean, have you ever seen a grapefruit of another color? Do Albino Grapefruits exist? Did anyone get a rogue grapefruit color in their variety pack?
- Orange: V expected and safe and lovely.
- Lemon: Part 3 of the citrus sisters; see above.
- Lemongrass: Lemon, only more exotic and earthy.
- Oregano: They use this a lot in Italian food. Stave off gluten gluttony and carb cravings by inhaling the steam of oregano diffusion.
- Tea Tree: Wake up to the caffeinated aromas of tea tree (but only because they haven’t created coffee tree essential oil yet).
- Rosemary: If you want to fool your guests into thinking you are v. domesticated and cooking a lovely roast, pour this into your crock pot and invite them over.
- Frankincense: It smells earthy and medicine-y, and I am currently inhaling loads of steamy Frankincense. Supposedly it helps you sleep, manages anxiety, and permits oral health and joint health — allow me to reiterate, my jaw recently fell out when my mandibular joint got all messed up from stress…sooo, Frankincense seems like a good choice.
Frankincense, if you are unfamiliar with it, basically smells like woodland cough syrup. You may regard that description with a great deal of sketpicality, but rest assured that it’s actually quite lovely.
Some thoughts I’m having as I diffuse — Okay yeah, Frankincense. Good stuff. Feeling soothed….Can you get high off of essential oils? Aren’t diffusers basically like a vape for your room? Are rooms going to start taking over? I mean, they have their Alexas, which are like handheld devices for rooms, and now they have their own vapes, too. Next thing you know, rooms will be infiltrating the workforce and taking jobs away from the hardworking middle class as they vape around while asking Alexa what the traffic is like on their commute. Oh forget it, this is just the Frankincense high speaking…
So, I’m excited to see all that I inhale into my life and my nostrils through my ultra New Agey aromatherapy practices. Please follow the hashtag #wellnessbyChar for continued updates on my foray into this advanced realm.