road kill

7.12.2014: Seagull Destruction: My Weekly Highlight

Since my blog is often all serious and thoughtful, I decided it was time for a little nonsensical light-heartedness, which is why I am bringing you the tale of the highlight of my week: DECREASING THE SEAGULL POPULATION BY ONE.

First, a disclaimer. My killer instinct is totally unintentional, always. Whether it is seagulls, plants, wine glasses, glimmers of romance, keyboards, sunglasses – it seems I am always killing something in destruction that is purely accidental, not premeditated. So, before you go accusing me of gull-slaughter, just know this.

However, there is probable cause here I guess because it is not really a secret that I think seagulls are pretty much the stupidest birds in existence. The biggest lie Disney ever told was the story of the Little Mermaid. Like, have you ever really stopped to consider how messed up this movie is? Let me break it down: the REDHEAD

  • Must decide between having her SOUL and her true LOVE as if they are mutually exclusive (it goes without saying that soullessness is already a sensitive subject for redheads – low blow, Walt)
  • Battles the evil underwater SNAKE lady, and in the animal kingdom snakes are far creepier than seagulls, particularly underwater kinds
  • Lives underwater herself, with her legs glued together
  • IS BFFS WITH A SEAGULL
  • Endures being mute for a period of time
  • Leaves behind her people in the end

Meanwhile, blonde Disney bitches are all twirling around in mansions and castles in their fancy dresses, being gifted with shoes by Prince Charming, and living happily ever after.

I’d digress to address all of the points, so let’s stick to the main one.

Do not believe Disney. Seagulls and redheads are not friends.

A few reasons why I hate seagulls:

  • Seagulls are totally greedy and cruel creatures. One time at Ellis Island I witnessed this cute little boy who was so excited to eat a hot dog BUT NOPE a seagull swooped out of nowhere, snatched the hot dog right out of the bun, and literally swallowed it whole.
  • Seagulls are shit machines (I mean, I guess I would be too if I went around swallowing hot dogs whole). When I was late to AP English like every day of my life in high school I would get stuck with the one parking spot nobody wanted – under the lamp posts where seagulls would amuse themselves by perching and shitting ALL DAY all over my car.
  • Seagulls have really creepy eyes. Do you even blink, bro?
  • Seagulls are not on the endangered species list but tigers are. That’s some bullshit.
  • Seagulls squawk in the most obnoxious way at the most loudest decibels in the most inopportune settings. Like usually right outside your bedroom window when you are trying to sleep in on a Saturday morning.

You know “A Flock of Seagulls – I Ran” ? DUH. Because “I ran, I ran so far away” is the best advice when it comes to encountering a flock of seagulls.

So now with all of this out on the table comes my confession. When traveling the 91 freeway at approximately 80 MPH this week, and out of nowhere a rogue seagull face-planted into my car, I was not even sad about it for a second.

It was more like, #BYESCUTTLE. #SORRYNOTSORRY. If you are stupid enough to hurl yourself into a metal mass traveling at high speeds, then you deserve what is coming to you (especially because it was probably coming to shit machine all over my car in the first place). If I have to contribute roadkill to the world, I really hope it is always seagulls. You may say vehicular homicide; I just call it a favor to the world. Potato, potato.

Redheads: 1; Seagulls: 0; Disney: 0. #AvengingAriel

In other news, the runners up for my weekly highlight:

  1. Extremely invigorating happy hour discussions that were a result of total spontaneousness.
  2. Led one of our sites at work to its highest Google Ranking yet with one of my articles. Tryin’ to be an SEO PRO, y’know?
  3. Caught a free set by Cults at the Santa Monica Pier. The most it has sounded and felt like summer yet!